This piece is a long time coming. The departure from my role in The Tenderloin "TL" neighborhood of San Francisco was abrupt. As I settle (very briefly) back in the Bay Area in the midst of a hot mess of an administration, not only do I feel grief from not having had the opportunity to say goodbye to my beloved patients, but also deeply concerned of pending changes will erase the visibility of communities I feel so called to empower. This is an Ode to one of the hardest jobs I have ever held.
To youth everywhere, and especially to my TL babies, this is for you:
I did not know if I was ever going to be good enough for you
In November 2021, in our little basement haven, I knew
Nothing - then of the incoming joy, grief anger, and pain that
We'd feel together, at speeds as fast, and arrivals as slow as the city's trains
That carried your bipolar disorder, eczema, chest pain, knife slices
Allergies, concussions, animal and human bites, I know - not all left to your own devices
The whisper under your breath, "I don't want to live anymore"
Because trying to stay alive in this world just feels like another chore
And who needs more of that -
When you are constantly fighting for your existence, to have your voice
Silenced.
And now everything in world doesn't make any sense
The feeling of existing in a body that doesn't feel like your own
Together, we made referrals and got you on the right meds - you are not alone
Your chest and hips rounded out, and you sprouted coarse, dark hair
I witness you become your very own you, so much "yasss", *snaps* and flair.
We Facetimed your future ex months later, and you had no regrets,
Remember, we looked at each other and smiled when I asked "so what's up next"
You cried on the exam table, was shook, with a gash just millimeters from your eye
This wasn't the first time she hurt you, me hoping that day was your final good-bye
No contact with your parents who remained abroad
Your eardrum was hidden for who knows how long
We restored your hearing, and you're now at Cal
When you told me, I barely had words. Just wow wow wow
The former versions of you, who said 'whatever' and 'yes' too much
Now with two feet down, firm when he tries to inappropriately touch
You.
And I. Who knew what we'd uncover when you step foot off that greyhound bus
In this tantalizing yet tormented city, without money, an ID, everything feeling 'sus'
Like every teardrop shed costs a buck and a dime
But I cannot think of any other way I would have wanted to spend my working time.
Your hugs that transcended through all layers of my skin,
Brought peace to my heart, mind - still deeply embedded within
Holding onto your dreams, hurt and mistrust
Reminding you every day that you absolutely must
Not lose your hope, sparkle and grit
I know you might not believe it, but you are all resilient
You are the reasons why I do what I do
Because for the longest time, I saw so much of myself in you.
I am so grateful for you all trusting me with your care,
Your bodies. your hearts. your essences. You beautiful bright flares
Of light and darkness, co-existing as one
The healing we did together, was your life beginning, it is so far from being done.
Patients, Past, Present and Future, we are each other's medicine.
Tell your stories. Speak your truth. Where you've been, and where you're going
The Tenderloin "TL", you are with me forever.
You are truth and learning, treasured and larger than life, tenacious and lively, tenderhearted and limitless, transcendent and legendary. Tenderloin is Tender Love.
Please hold each other & I am with you, always
xx